Flame emails are not a phenomenon of the past, with people still having to stop their workday to process how to respond to a flaming email or two. But what is a flaming email? A 2007 paper by A.K Turnage stated that “most studies claim that messages showing attributes such as hostility, aggression, intimidation, insults, offensiveness, unfriendly tone, uninhibited language, and sarcasm can be considered flames.“ Not all flame emails are exchanged between people who are professionally linked, but almost all of them result in lasting conflicts once one chooses to respond to a flaming email with anger.
How you respond to a flaming email says more about you than the content of the flame email does. (Image courtesy – Freepik)
There are many reasons why someone might elect to send a flame email. For some, it can act as an easy form of confrontation that is depersonalized so they do not have to filter their words. Others might use it as a way to make their point heard, never expecting the receiver to respond to a flaming email. Still, others might add colleagues to the mail chain to humiliate the receiver.
For whatever reason it is sent, the results are the same—flame emails lead to direct conflicts and discomfort for everyone who witnesses the exchange. A ZipDo report states that U.S. employees spend 2.1 hours per week involved in workplace conflict, which is a considerable discomfort to withstand week after week. This is why it is important to know how to respond to a flaming email.
How to Respond to a Flaming Email
Receiving a flaming email will likely leave you feeling hurt, angered, or wronged for having been spoken down to. Your usual instinct might demand that you respond to a flaming email with the same language that was used against you, but this escalation is unlikely to resolve the issue. Instead, it is important for you to think carefully about what you want to do next.
Step 1: Stay Calm
Calming yourself down is an important precursor to responding to a flaming email. Encountering flaming in communication with anyone in your life requires a level head, where you are able to rationally plan your course of action instead of emotionally reacting. It is alright to walk away from the email and do what is necessary to calm yourself down, whether that involves getting some fresh air or breathing techniques to get your emotions under control.
Step 2: Identify the Sender’s Intent
Once you feel calm enough to reopen the email, explore why the email might have been sent in the first place. Ask yourself, “What is a flaming email doing in my inbox and did I do something to upset this person?” The answer might sometimes be a yes, where your own emails might have been interpreted as initiating the flaming in communication.
Assess both the content of the email and the existing relationship you have with the sender to identify why they chose to send the email. A ZipDo study stated that 33 percent of workplace conflicts happened due to differences in style or strategy. In this case, it is possible to include concrete data on the matter and then sit down together to find common ground.
The study also stated that 12 percent of employees have reported an experience of workplace conflict due to gossip. If the content of the mail is personal and not in relation to the working conditions, then it might require a different approach where firm boundaries are set, possibly with the involvement of HR or a third party.
Step 3: Decide Whether or Not to Respond
Not all flaming in communication, regardless of the platform, deserves a response. If there is something that can be resolved or answered from the contents of the flame emails, then there might be a reason to respond. If you do not fully understand the situation and cannot identify the problem, then a response might help to better grasp the situation.
However, if the response is to put down the other person, it might be best to avoid escalating the situation further.
Step 4: Craft a Thoughtful Response
If you have decided to reply, then first respond to the flaming email without hitting send. Craft the email on Word or Notepad, just to have your thoughts structured in one place. Once it is written, leave it unsent for a while. Getting some distance from the immediate emotional peak can be a way to finish processing your thoughts.
The language used should not be accusatory but light and matter-of-fact instead—leave out any further flaming in your communication choices. You can also choose to apologize if you feel there is any truth to any allegations in the email.
Step 5: Send Your Response
Once you have allowed yourself some time to structure your response and have then typed it out satisfactorily, send the mail and step away from the conversation for a while. The flaming in communication between two parties does not have to persist when it can be understood and resolved.
Tips for Responding to a Flaming Email
Planning how to respond to a flaming email requires some careful consideration so keep these tips in mind to simplify the process.
Don’t Take it Personally
The flame emails you receive are not always about you. Sometimes they are a consequence of a lot of stressors coming together for the sender. Remind yourself that the email is not about you and that one email cannot define who you are.
Avoid Responding Emotionally
Emotional responses might further complicate the situation rather than resolve it. It is also better to respond to a flaming email when you have your feelings under control. Talking to someone might be a helpful way of getting your thoughts in order.
Focus on the Facts
Only mention things that you know to be true of the situation and explain your perspective accordingly. What is a flaming email other than a worded expression of dissatisfaction that someone has presented to you? Do not make any further assumptions and only comment on the factual details that can further the discussion.
Be Clear and Concise
A simple response is the best course of action. Choose to focus on the key points in the flame email and convey your perspective briefly. The longer your email is, the higher the likelihood of being misinterpreted.
Offer a Solution
Try to find a middle ground that both of you can agree on, or consider an alternate form of communication where the issue can be resolved. Offering a solution can show the sender that you are willing to offer an olive branch and put the matter to rest.
End on a Positive Note
While you might not be happy about having to respond to a flaming email, you can still be optimistic about resolving the issue. Mention it in the mail and convey that you are willing to work on the issue and listen to their perspective. If the conversation continues, ask the sender what the flaming email is really about and listen to their responses open-mindedly with a word of thanks for talking it out.
Conflict resolution is never easy, more so when it takes an online form where there is no opportunity to evaluate the tone or body language of a sender, only the content of the email and how it made you feel. Such flame emails are usually unexpected, making it even harder to process and respond to appropriately. This is why it is important to be prepared for the possibility and deal with the situation calmly if it does occur.